As adults, we often look back on our childhoods with rose-tinted glasses, but what happens when we realize everything was not as good as we thought? Tough childhoods can shape who we are as adults, so they’re important to understand – here are 18 signs that your childhood was actually toxic.
You Were Emotionally Neglected
Did your parents show up for you during emotionally difficult times? If you remember crying your eyes out and your parents ignoring you – this screams of a toxic childhood. According to PsychCentral, emotionally unavailable parents are often insensitive and disinterested.
You Were Always Criticized
If your parents criticized you a lot, you might think that you were always doing things wrong as a kid—but this might not be the case at all. Parents with overly high expectations can create a toxic environment for their children, leading to poor self-esteem later in life.
You Felt a Lot of Pressure
In an ideal world, our parents would be totally loving and supportive of everything we did as kids – but that’s not always the case. Some parents are super pushy when it comes to schoolwork, hobbies, and athletic achievements, pushing their failed dreams onto their kids.
You Were Manipulated
Parents who manipulate their children create a toxic relationship; some signs of manipulation include guilt-tripping and emotional blackmail as a form of control. Basically, if your parents did things like get really angry and then make you feel bad for being upset with them, that’s manipulative.
You Were Controlled
Sure, parents need to have some control over their kids – that’s normal – but when it becomes excessive and overbearing, that’s looking toxic. If your parents controlled you in a toxic way, you probably had to follow really strict rules that meant you had no freedom or privacy.
Your Parents Were Inconsistent
The problem with inconsistent parents is that children never know what to expect. One minute, their parent might be fine, and then the next, they burst into a fit of rage. These children grow up to be hypervigilant and often anxious adults.
You Were Given Conditional Love
When people love us unconditionally, we feel safe to be ourselves; however, when people love us conditionally, we feel a huge pressure to ‘be better’ and be worthy of love. Psychology Today says receiving conditional love as a child can create an adult who feels “undeserving of love.”
Your Family Lacked Boundaries
As children, we rely on our parents to create healthy boundaries around us—when this doesn’t happen, it’s no surprise we struggle to build boundaries as adults! If your parents unload all their problems onto you, treating you more like a therapist than a child, this is an example of toxic boundary-breaking.
Your Parents Fought a Lot
A lot of children get used to the sound of their parents fighting – but that doesn’t mean that it’s normal or ok. Kids who grow up in this kind of toxic household don’t exactly have good role models to learn about healthy relationships.
There Was Substance Abuse
When you were younger, you might have noticed your parents drinking or taking substances, but you might not have realized that this wasn’t normal. Growing up around parents who drink heavily or are dependent on drugs can be scary – their behavior is often unpredictable and neglectful.
You Were Emotionally Abused
VeryWell Mind explains that not all people who have experienced emotional abuse will recognize that they were emotionally abused – it’s often all they’ve known. Parents who are emotionally abusive might threaten their children, call them names, or be highly aggressive.
The Rules Were Confusing
Do you remember feeling confused as a kid because the rules at home were always changing or because different parents had different sets of rules? If this sounds familiar, you would have been left feeling like you could never do anything right.
Your Parents Made You Take Sides
Children shouldn’t have to get involved in their parents’ arguments. It should be that simple! Unfortunately, though, many parents try to encourage their kids to take sides—which is incredibly toxic! They might even use this in future arguments, saying things like, “Well, our kid thinks I’m right!”
You Lacked Positive Role Models
Sometimes, we only realize in later life that we didn’t really have any good role models growing up—instead, we learned about life from some pretty dysfunctional (and toxic!) parents. Fortunately, therapy can help with ‘unlearning’ any toxic traits we might have picked up along the way.
Your Parents Had Favorites
Unsurprisingly, if your parents had favorites – that’s pretty toxic. If they made it obvious that they preferred one of your siblings over you, that’s going to have really damaged your self-esteem. Also, it might have hurt your relationship with your sibling, too.
Your Emotions Were Dismissed
Okay, so maybe in the past, it was seen as more acceptable to tell kids to “Toughen up” or “Stop crying.” But it’s now widely recognized that this isn’t the right way for parents to behave. In fact, it’s quite a toxic response to children showing their emotions.
You Suffered Enmeshment
‘Enmeshment’ is a psychological term that describes when family relationships become entwined in a messy way. Essentially, everyone is too involved in everyone else’s lives. Women’s Health describes how this often comes from a place of parental anxiety, leaving a long-lasting impact on children.
You Had a Lot of Anxiety
When you look back at your childhood, do you remember periods of anxiety and fear? Growing up in a toxic household can have this effect on kids because they are constantly surrounded by tension. These high anxiety levels might last into adulthood, too.
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