Compliments are supposed to make us feel good about ourselves, but sometimes they can have the opposite effect. Whether intentional or not, certain compliments can come across as backhanded or even insulting. We’ve gathered 20 of the most common “compliments” that might actually be more hurtful than they appear.
“You Look Great for Your Age”
“We live in a society obsessed with ageing which is still seen in a largely negative way,” says Forbes. While it’s nice to be told you look great, the addition of “for your age” implies that looking good is unexpected or rare for someone of your years. It subtly reinforces the idea that youth is the standard for beauty.
“You’re So Brave to Wear That”
At first glance, this might seem like an empowering statement, but it often comes with an underlying judgment. It suggests that the person is taking a risk by wearing something unconventional or bold, which implies that their choice is somehow questionable. Instead of simply appreciating their style, it makes them second-guess their fashion sense.
“You’re Surprisingly Good at That”
People want to be recognized for their talents, but this compliment suggests that the person didn’t expect you to be skilled; and it can be particularly stinging if it’s related to something you’re passionate about. The word “surprisingly” indicates that their initial assumption was that you wouldn’t be good at it, which can undermine your confidence.
“I Wish I Could Be as Carefree as You”
On the surface, this seems like admiration for someone’s relaxed attitude, however, it often carries an implication of irresponsibility or lack of seriousness. It suggests that being carefree is synonymous with being immature or not having real responsibilities, which can feel dismissive of the person’s way of life.
“You’re Pretty Smart for a [Gender/Ethnicity]”
“You’re pretty smart for a…” is a blatantly offensive compliment that reinforces harmful stereotypes. It implies that intelligence is unexpected in certain groups, which is both condescending and prejudiced. Instead of highlighting someone’s intellect, it highlights the speaker’s biases and perpetuates divisive thinking.
“You Clean Up Nice”
Meant to compliment someone’s appearance when they’re dressed up, “you clean up nice” also suggests that they usually don’t look as good, and implies a dramatic difference between their everyday appearance and how they look when they’ve put in extra effort. This comment can make someone feel that their usual appearance is subpar or unappealing.
“You’ve Lost Weight! You Look Amazing!”
Complimenting someone on weight loss can be tricky. While it might be meant to celebrate their efforts, it also suggests that they didn’t look amazing before the weight loss. This can be damaging to their self-esteem and perpetuates the idea that thinness is the primary way to look.
“You’re So Independent, It’s No Wonder You’re Single”
It’s good to praise someone’s independence; it’s not so good to tie their single status to a perceived flaw. Saying “you’re so independent, it’s no wonder you’re single” suggests their independence makes them undesirable as a partner, which can be hurtful and dismissive of their personal choices.
“You’re Not Like Other [Group]”
If you want to make someone feel alienated and uncomfortable, say “you’re not like other…” as if their worth is measured by their divergence from their identity group. Instead of celebrating their individuality, it implies that they are only praiseworthy because they do not conform to certain negative assumptions.
“You Have Such a Pretty Face”
It might seem flattering to say someone has such a pretty face—but it often hints that the rest of their body isn’t as attractive. This can be especially hurtful in a culture that places heavy emphasis on physical appearance and body image, and suggests a compartmentalized view of their attractiveness. It reduces their worth to just one part of their appearance.
“You’re So Articulate”
If you want to praise someone’s speaking skills, don’t say “you’re so articulate”; it can be condescending, especially if it implies surprise. It suggests that the person’s ability to speak well is unexpected, often due to their age, background, or ethnicity. This can come across as patronizing and dismissive—and makes it sound as though their communication skills are an anomaly rather than a natural ability.
“You’re So Much Prettier When You Smile”
Placing undue pressure on someone to always appear happy, disregarding their true feelings or expressions, can be a result of saying someone is prettier when they smile. This comment can make someone feel that their natural, non-smiling face is not good enough, and that they should mask their true emotions.
“I Could Never Pull That Off”
You might mean to admire someone’s bold fashion choice by saying that you could never pull something off; but it often comes with an undertone of incredulity. It suggests that the person’s style is so outlandish or unconventional that it wouldn’t suit anyone else, making it seem like a backhanded compliment.
“You’re Really Funny for a Woman”
One of the most common gendered ways of praising someone is “you’re really funny for a woman”; far from being a compliment, it suggests women aren’t usually funny, making it a surprising trait. It diminishes the person’s humor by tying it to their gender, rather than simply acknowledging their comedic talent.
“You’re So Down to Earth for Someone So Attractive”
You can highlight someone’s grounded personality without using the backhanded phrase of approval “you’re so down to earth for someone so attractive.” All it does is imply that being attractive usually correlates with being vain or aloof, and perpetuates the stereotype that good-looking people can’t be humble or genuine.
“You’re So Strong for a Girl”
Anyone, of any gender, can be strong—which is exactly why specifically saying “you’re so strong for a girl” is unnecessary. Praising someone’s strength is great, but adding “for a girl” diminishes the compliment by implying that girls are generally weak. It brings up the idea that being strong is an exception rather than the norm for women.
“You Don’t Look Like You’re [Occupation]”
Another perplexing insult disguised as a compliment is saying that someone doesn’t look like the type of person to have the profession they do. It pushes presumptions and implies that the person’s appearance doesn’t fit their job, which can be undermining and dismissive—not to mention harmful to diversity and inclusivity in the workplace.
“You’re So Refreshingly Honest”
While honesty is a virtue, calling someone “refreshingly honest” can imply that they’re blunt to the point of being unusual; it brings to light that their straightforwardness is a rarity, which can make them feel out of place. Celebrating honesty should be done in a way that doesn’t make the person feel alienated or overly critical.
“I Love How You Don’t Care What People Think”
It might seem like saying “I love how you don’t care what people think” is valid admiration for someone’s confidence, but instead, it shows that you think their behavior is reckless or inappropriate. It can come off as a veiled criticism, suggesting that the person is out of touch with social norms or expectations.
“You’ve Got Such a Good Heart”
It always feels good to be recognized for kindness; but phrasing it this way—”you’ve got such a good heart”— can sometimes feel like a consolation prize. When there isn’t much else to compliment, you might say this, implying that the person’s looks, talents, or achievements are lacking—but at least they’re nice.
Up Next: 18 Cities in the US That Are So Bad You Won’t Want to Visit
While there are many beautiful cities in the U.S. that are well worth a visit, there are also some that you may want to avoid. This is largely due to high crime rates or issues with quality of life. Here are 18 U.S. cities that you won’t want to visit.
18 Cities in the US That Are So Bad You Won’t Want to Visit
19 American Cities That Disappoint Visitors So Much They Wish They Never Went
The United States is a vast country with over 109,000 cities and towns and many popular tourist hotspots, promising visitors fascinating history, famous landmarks, natural wonders, impressive architecture, and cultural delights. But not every city lives up to the hype! Here, we explore 19 American destinations that often leave visitors underwhelmed.
19 American Cities That Disappoint Visitors So Much They Wish They Never Went
19 Signs That Say You’ve Officially Entered Old Age
Old age comes for us all, though we do our best to resist it for as long as possible. But aging isn’t only gray hair, wrinkled skin, and yelling at kids to get off your lawn. Here are 19 signs you’ve realized you’re no longer the young stud you once were!