There’s no way of getting around it – losing a loved one is extremely difficult, and knowing how to cope can be hard. There are some things that can make the transition even more complicated, so here are 19 mistakes to avoid when a loved one passes away.
Holding Onto Regrets
We all have things that we perhaps wish we’d said or done before a loved one passed away, but dwelling on these will only cause more pain. Fortunately, letting go of regrets is possible; Reader’s Digest says that being more mindful, present, and consciously optimistic can help dilute these feelings.
Neglecting Self-Care
Putting yourself first can feel impossible when you and the people around you are grieving. However, you’ll only be able to properly support yourself and others if you make time to care for yourself. Make sure you’re eating and sleeping properly, and be sure to get some fresh air every day.
Isolating Yourself
Allow your family and friends to support you when you’re going through this tough time! Sure, you might not feel like seeing anyone or doing anything outside the house, but it will make such a difference to how you’re feeling. Give it a go.
Ignoring Legal and Financial Matters
When a loved one dies, it can be so hard to manage the feelings of grief alongside having to sort out any related admin. Try to get a friend who can help you with some of this because there will be important things like wills and forms to complete, with deadlines that you really shouldn’t ignore.
Avoiding Professional Help
Now is not the time to adopt a stoic mentality and believe that you can work through your grief on your own. It’s okay not to be okay, and it’s okay to go to therapy. In fact, Healthline speaks of the huge benefits of going to therapy after someone passes away – it’s probably one of the most valuable things you can do.
Comparing Your Grief to Others
Everyone grieves differently; there is no universal experience – your grief is as unique as you are. Because of this, it’s never a good idea to compare your grieving process to others. Whichever way you’re grieving, that’s the right way for you, and that’s absolutely fine.
Suppressing Memories
Talking about someone who has recently passed away can be so painful, but you shouldn’t avoid talking about them to try to avoid pain. These suppressed memories and feelings will have a way of coming out, so it’s always best to face them head-on if you can.
Making Major Life Decisions
Now is not the time for making major life decisions—that means no sudden job changes, house moves, or haircuts! It can take at least six months for the symptoms of grief to improve, so give yourself time without disrupting any other parts of your life.
Expecting Immediate Closure
Don’t pressure yourself into believing that you should feel fine straight away, and don’t put a deadline on your grief. Harvard Business Review writes that always feeling that you ‘should’ be doing something is very demotivating – it comes from a feeling of outside pressure, not from listening to what you truly need.
Overworking
It’s not uncommon for people to use work as a way to distract them from negative feelings – but this isn’t actually a healthy solution. If you’re overworking as a defense mechanism, you’re probably ignoring your body and mind’s need for rest during this difficult time.
Neglecting Relationships
Let’s be clear – no one is expecting you to be putting your all into your relationships right now, but you should also be careful not to push people away. The best thing you can do is to focus on clearly communicating your feelings and needs to others so that they can support you.
Avoiding Places and People
There will be certain places and people that spark strong memories of the person who has passed away; however, you should try not to avoid these completely – that will only delay your grieving process. If certain places bring up a lot of emotions, remember that it’s totally ok to feel that way.
Using Substances to Cope
Sometimes, people turn to substance abuse when a loved one dies to try to numb the pain. Unfortunately, this often makes matters worse, and Psychology Today says that “there is a strong connection between substance abuse and complicated grief or persistent complex grief disorder”. Therapy offers a healthier way to cope.
Overcommitting
You’re probably going to feel tired enough as it is without volunteering yourself for loads of different things and overcommitting right now. I know it can feel good to keep busy, but don’t ignore your need for downtime – it’s so important!
Ignoring Funeral Planning
It might feel painful, but you should make sure that you don’t totally ignore all of the funeral planning. If you do, you could regret it later on. Try not to rush through the planning process, hard though it is, and give some thought to the smaller details – they’ll make all the difference.
Avoiding New Experiences
It might take a while to feel like getting back out there and trying new things – but don’t hold yourself back. Sometimes, people who are grieving feel like they’re ‘not allowed’ to have any fun during the grieving process, but this isn’t true – it’s healthy to have a break from your grief.
Ignoring Children’s Grief
It can be tempting to avoid talking to children about things like death, but it can actually help them understand their grief better. Even though it’s important for you to look after yourself after the loss of a loved one, make sure you’re providing enough support to your children, too.
Avoiding Grief
According to USA Today, it’s totally normal to try to avoid grief. However, that doesn’t mean it’s the best approach for long-term healing. Instead, it might be helpful for you to regularly set aside a bit of quiet time, when you know you won’t be disturbed, to allow yourself time to grieve.
Failing to Honor Their Memory
When a loved one dies, everything hurts, and thinking about them can be really painful. However, there’s definitely a sense of healing that can come from honoring someone’s life and legacy – if you avoid their funeral or memorial services, you’ll be missing out on some potential to heal.
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