Gaslighting is a serious form of emotional abuse that often flies under the radar because most people don’t know how to recognize it. When your partner is gaslighting you, you question your perception of reality. To raise awareness, here are 19 gaslighting phrases you shouldn’t tolerate in any relationship.
Look What You Made Me Do
Before it became the title of a famous Taylor Swift song, ‘Look What You Made Me Do’ was primarily known for being something abusers said to gaslight victims. Psych Central observes that abusers blame-shift to manipulate their victims and convince them they’re the problem. This is textbook gaslighting and is unacceptable between partners.
You’re Crazy
Gaslighting is all about making the victim question their own memories, so it’s common for abusers to call them crazy. Your partner might use this gaslighting phrase to absolve themselves of responsibility for their actions when they were wrong. As you spend lots of time with them, you might start believing you’re crazy.
It Was Just a Joke
Jokes are supposed to be lighthearted and funny, so when someone says something mean or cruel, it’s safe to assume they weren’t joking. However, gaslighters constantly claim their verbal nastiness is ‘just a joke’. It’s even more upsetting when your partner is the one disguising cruel comments as humor, knowing you don’t find it funny.
You’re Ungrateful
Your partner is not your parent, so it’s inappropriate for them to scold you like a child when they think you’ve done something wrong. They may use the classic gaslighting phrase ‘you’re ungrateful’ to put you in your place. It makes you feel like you’re selfish and thankless when you’ve done nothing wrong.
You Blame Everything On Me
All relationships have conflict, and both partners must have an adult discussion and work things out. If your partner accuses you of blaming everything on them, they’re trying to gaslight you into ending the discussion. You shouldn’t tolerate this behavior because it automatically makes you the villain in every fight.
Maybe We Should Break Up
Gaslighting is all about the abuser maintaining control of their victim. NBC News reports that many victims of gaslighting don’t challenge their partners because they’re terrified of losing the relationship. Gaslighters know this, so they sometimes suggest breaking up to make their partners grovel because they know they won’t leave.
You’re Too Sensitive
Nobody can control our feelings, so it’s not their place to tell us we’re being ‘too sensitive’. However, this is a common phrase that gaslighters use to minimize your feelings and make you question your supposed ‘overreactions’. We tend to believe our partners above everybody else, but you shouldn’t accept them belittling your feelings.
I Guess I Can’t Do Anything Right
Gaslighters are manipulative. They like to feel powerful while seeming like the victim because it makes their victims work harder to please them. This is a severely unhealthy relationship dynamic, and many gaslighting partners control their victims by self-deprecating. They say they ‘can’t do anything right’ to make you feel guilty when they’re wrong.
You’re Being Dramatic
People who gaslight others love to accuse them of being dramatic because it’s another way to mock and minimize their feelings. Nobody wants to be the dramatic person who embarrasses their partner, so this phrase works well to make you question your behavior and do as your partner says.
You Make Things Up
Sometimes, gaslighters don’t subtly try to make you question reality; they state it outright. Gaslighting is so terrifyingly effective because after being told you’re making things up enough times, you believe it. You should never tolerate this behavior the first time because if you endure too much, you’ll be entirely under their influence.
I Didn’t Mean to Hurt You
Emotional and verbal abuse are often gateways to physical abuse. When things become physical, gaslighting partners will say anything to convince you to stay. This usually entails claiming they didn’t mean to hurt you or manipulate you when you’re emotionally vulnerable. This gaslighting phrase confuses victims and can cause them to forgive.
Why Are You Even With Me?
Guilt-tripping is another effective form of gaslighting that keeps victims in relationships with their emotional abusers. Psychology Today warns that guilt-tripping is emotional blackmail designed to make you feel like you’re in the wrong. Gaslighting partners ask you why you’re with them to make you reassure them and forget about their wrongdoings.
I’m Not Talking About This Anymore
Gaslighters need to be in control, so they always want to have the last word. If your partner says they’re no longer talking to you about a situation, they’re blocking you from communicating your feelings. This stops you from confronting them, giving them more time to gaslight and manipulate you.
You’re Being Paranoid
There’s a reason people tell us to trust our gut feelings: they’re usually correct. Gaslighters want to make their victims question their gut feelings, so they tell them they’re being paranoid and act like nothing is wrong. When you start questioning your reactions and believing you’re paranoid, they have control over you.
If You Really Loved Me
When gaslighters feel their partners breaking out of their control, they do anything to bring them back. You shouldn’t tolerate your partner starting any sentence with, ‘if you really loved me’ because it’s textbook guilt-tripping. It makes you question the reality of your love and do whatever they want to prove you love them.
You Always Make Things Difficult
Many gaslighters are also narcissists, so they can’t bear to take the blame for anything. Even when they’re the problem in the relationship, they refuse to see it. It’s easier and more effective for them to accuse their partners of always making things difficult for them to victimize themselves. This also gaslights the victim into feeling guilty.
You Don’t Care About Me
Gaslighters need to be in control, so they often accuse their partners of the exact behavior they themselves are guilty of. If you confront them about their lack of care for your feelings, they accuse you of not caring about them at all to flip the script. Don’t let them get away with it.
Everyone Thinks You’re Crazy
Emotionally abusive people don’t want anyone calling out their gaslighting, so they try to isolate them. The National Institutes of Health reports that abusers isolate victims to undermine their identities outside of the relationship. They often do this by gaslighting their partner into believing everyone else thinks they’re crazy, making them paranoid.
I Do It Because I Love You
Gaslighters may not show love in their relationships, but they know its significance. That’s why they often use it to manipulate their victims into putting up with their behavior. They regularly use the gaslighting phrase, ‘I do it because I love you,’ to keep you trapped. You should never tolerate anyone using love against you.
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