Feeling unloved during childhood can deeply influence how we behave as adults. When we grow up without emotional support or love, the effects never really leave us and take a lot of time to work through. Here are 17 habits that might develop if you grew up feeling unloved by your parents.
Over-apologizing
A dread of being rejected may be the cause of your repeatedly saying sorry for things that don’t need an apology. If you grew up apologizing for everything as a way to keep things peaceful, you most likely got into the habit and now do it to seek reassurance and avoid potential conflict.
Seeking constant validation
The need for continuous validation from others may develop if you feel like you did not receive enough approval during your childhood. Now, as a grown-up, you don’t feel too good about yourself, so you rely on external sources for feelings of self-worth and accomplishment.
Mistrustful
Growing up feeling unloved can cause you to become guarded with your emotions, leading to difficulties in forming and maintaining close relationships. Feelings of suspicion and doubt can be ever-present and sabotage any connections you might feel with others. You might often doubt others’ intentions, worrying about being hurt or betrayed.
Perfectionism
Setting unrealistic standards for yourself is common, striving for perfection in all aspects of life. This can be your defense mechanism against feeling like a failure, as well as your way to ‘earn’ love and approval. You put intense pressure on yourself to avoid mistakes as a way to prevent criticism or rejection.
You’re a people-pleaser
You will often sacrifice your personal needs, as you have a tendency to put others’ desires first. According to Bustle this could be because “Your own emotional life may have always come last in the hierarchy of the household”. It may be hard for you to set boundaries, and you have difficulty saying no because you are afraid of rejection or you want to be liked.
Emotional detachment
You may find yourself withdrawing from relationships and friendships. Some people who did not feel loved as children may withdraw emotionally from others as a protective measure to avoid getting hurt. You may also struggle to express your emotions openly and authentically.
Extreme independence
A reluctance to ask for help, even when it is needed, can stem from growing up feeling unsupported. This can lead to excessive self-reliance and pride in doing everything alone, learned from a childhood of doing everything without help. This can push people away, as they won’t feel as though you need or want them around.
Low self-esteem
If you consistently felt unworthy of love as a child, this can translate into persistent feelings of unworthiness as an adult. You may grow a negative view of yourself and often speak badly about yourself. As The Herald notes, people who felt unloved as a child can feel like they’re not good enough.
Obsessive need for control
Controlling behavior can be on outcome of feeling unloved as a child. A lack of control in your childhood environment can lead to an obsessive need to control your surroundings and relationships as adults. You may be uncomfortable with unpredictability or spontaneity, preferring structured and controlled settings.
Passive aggressiveness
Because you may have grown up having to hide your feelings for fear of reprisal, you may have learned to use indirect communication, like passive aggressiveness. This may be how you express dissatisfaction or anger in adult life. It is easy to fall into the habit of hiding our anger and letting it out in less direct, unhealthy ways.
Substance abuse
Abusing drugs or alcohol is common among those who were abused as children, and neglect is one of those forms of abuse. It can be a way to escape your strong emotions or numb the pain of feeling unloved. People often use drug or alcohol abuse as a form of self-medication to cope with emotional distress.
Attachment issues
Psych Central explains, “When a person’s first attachment experience is being unloved, this can create difficulty in closeness and intimacy”. You might show excessively clingy or dependent behavior in relationships, fearing abandonment, or avoid deep relationships altogether to protect yourself from heartbreak.
Hypersensitive to criticism
An overreaction to criticism “often stems from the feeling of not being good enough as a child”, notes Hack Spirit, meaning that you may feel easily threatened or attacked in adult life. Your defensiveness can be a reaction to feeling unwanted or unvalued by your parents and, therefore, inadequate.
Excessive humility
You might downplay your achievements or refuse to accept compliments, as you are not used to attention, and you don’t know how to react to it. Minimizing your successes like this can be a way to stay under the radar and avoid drawing notice from anyone.
Eating disorders
Emotional eating, binge eating, or not eating at all might develop as a way to cope with feelings of emptiness or unfulfillment. Often, taking control over food and your diet can mirror a lack of control or love in other areas of your life.
Chronic loneliness
Feeling perpetually alone can stem from deep-seated feelings of being unloved as a child. You may often feel lonely, even in the presence of others. You might have difficulty connecting with others and face challenges in trying to form relationships.
Exaggerations
You may want to impress your peers and gain their attention and approval, and this can lead you to embellish stories or facts. You may even sometimes fabricate your successes to compensate for feelings of inadequacy. This stems again from not feeling good enough as a child and feeling unworthy of your parents’ love.
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