There’s no easy way to deal with losing a partner, and there’s no playbook to tell you exactly how you should grieve – it’s common to do some things that make the process worse. Here are 21 mistakes people often make when they lose a spouse.
Neglecting Self-Care and Routines
Staying on top of self-care and maintaining routines is crucial after losing a spouse. It’s easy to let these things slip, but they really help in the long run. NBC News says that it can be helpful to schedule periods in the day to grieve so you can also maintain your routine.
Rushing into New Relationships
When you’re completely lost for a way to feel better, rushing into a new relationship can feel like putting a band-aid over a wound. But just because this feels good temporarily doesn’t mean it’s a healthy way to work through grief. Not giving yourself time to heal will cause more problems later on.
Avoiding Grief Counseling
Grief counseling is an incredibly useful tool, and neglecting to use this resource is a big mistake. Therapists can help by offering coping strategies, and you might also find support groups that can give you a sense of community during such a difficult time.
Isolating from Friends and Family
You might want to shut yourself away when you’re grieving, but isolation can make everything worse. Don’t be afraid to rely on your friends and family for emotional support, and don’t feel guilty if you have a laugh sometimes—you’re still allowed to have fun.
Making Major Financial Decisions
There are some financial decisions that you will probably have to make after your spouse passes away as part of the general admin. That’s fine, but try to leave these to the bare minimum. Don’t make any wild purchases, and get help from a financial advisor to keep emotions out of things.
Overworking
A lot of people throw themselves into their work when they are grieving. Although this can provide a nice distraction, it’s a recipe for burnout. You’ve got to make sure that you strike a good balance between work and personal time so that you have time to grieve – don’t run away from it.
Ignoring Legal Matters
Some of the legal admin you need to deal with after someone dies can feel overwhelming. However, don’t ignore important letters or delay any legal proceedings – this will only make things harder. The best advice is to get a friend to help you. That way, you’re not handling it all alone.
Suppressing Emotions
When emotions are suppressed during grief, this can lead to what Psychology Today refers to as “incomplete grief”. This happens when the grieving process gets stalled in some way – and it’s not healthy! Incomplete grief can cause all kinds of problems, like depression and anger.
Neglecting the Children
It’s even harder to deal with the death of a spouse when there are children involved; they will also need help processing their grief. When it all just seems too much, it might help to seek professional help – managing your own grief, as well as your children’s, doesn’t have to be done alone.
Holding Onto Guilt
Guilt is such a common emotion after the death of a loved one, but holding onto it can really damage your chances of healing – and that’s the real goal. Don’t beat yourself up for feeling guilty, but also don’t let guilt rule your life; if you’re stuck, therapy can help release guilt.
Comparing Grief to Others
Everyone grieves differently, and you shouldn’t feel like you need to lock yourself away in a dark room in order to prove that you’re grieving (thankfully, we’re not in Victorian times anymore). There’s no right or wrong way to express grief, so don’t worry about what others might think.
Ignoring Health Issues
According to UCLA Health, grief can cause a whole bunch of physical symptoms: “everything from a weakened immune system to stomach ache and fatigue.” Health problems shouldn’t be ignored just because grief takes over – get things looked at quickly, no excuses!
Not Asking for Help
Asking for help is a power move, not a sign of weakness. It takes strength to recognize when you could use some help, so don’t try to do everything alone after losing a spouse. Friends will always be happy to do what they can – it’s a time for everyone to rally together.
Making Sudden Life Changes
Grief is a powerful emotion, and it can be tempting to run away from it. Some people might start making big, sudden life changes to avoid processing their feelings. While this might work short-term, it can cause a lot of stress because plans aren’t thought through.
Avoiding Places and Activities
We’ve all avoided going somewhere or doing something because it reminds us of a certain memory, but this can cause a build-up of anxiety, which actually isn’t very useful. When a spouse passes away, avoiding places can make things worse – gradual exposure is the healthiest way to go.
Overusing Substances
Turning to alcohol and other substances can seem like a good way to numb the pain of grief; however, Science Direct has shown that substance misuse actually makes the grieving process last longer. It can lead to ‘complicated grief’, where grief becomes harder to heal.
Neglecting Spiritual Beliefs
People with spiritual beliefs may feel bitter after the death of a loved one; grief can cause people to lose faith. The thing is, for those who have been spiritual all their lives, the familiarity will bring community and comfort, so neglecting spiritual beliefs should be avoided.
Not Honoring Their Spouse
When a spouse dies, you get the opportunity to honor their memory by planning a proper send-off or funeral. Although you might not want to think about them because it hurts too much, if you don’t put the thought in now, you may regret not honoring them as you would have liked.
Not Remembering the Good Times
It can be painful to remember the good times when you’re grieving, but getting joy from these past memories is really healthy. Remembering all the fun moments that you shared with your spouse can help you grieve properly – just make sure you go out and make new memories, too.
Not Planning for the Future
In the moments directly after a partner passes away, it can feel like there’s no future. However, life does move on, and the world does keep turning. Setting small goals or booking a holiday in the future can help add a bit of structure to life, creating something to work towards.
Expecting to ‘Get Over’ Grief Quickly
No one wants to feel sad for a long time, but there’s no ‘quick fix’ for grief. People often make the mistake of trying to rush their emotions, but really, you just have to be patient and kind to yourself – healing takes time.
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