Toxic people use manipulation tactics to control those around them, be it among friends, family, or in intimate relationships. They are experts in gaslighting techniques and like to make people second-guess themselves with confusion and lies, like these 19 manipulative phrases that toxic people use.
If you really loved me…
This phrase questions a person’s love or commitment and manipulates them into doing something they don’t want to do. Saying this to someone who loves you will guilt them into compliance and make them doubt their feelings or decisions. It helps toxic manipulators to use someone’s feelings to control their actions, but as The Vessel notes, “love should never come with conditions”.
You are overreacting
A toxic person might say this to invalidate a person’s feelings or reactions, to belittle and control them. It dismisses how the person feels and makes them doubt themselves. If this phrase is used consistently, it can lead a person to question their own emotions and judgments.
I’m just being honest
This is an excuse that toxic people like to use as a cover when they get called out for delivering harsh or hurtful comments. It helps the toxic person to avoid accountability, as it can shift the blame for hurt feelings onto the receiver for being sensitive to honesty rather than the speaker’s insensitivity.
You owe me
Stating that someone owes you creates a sense of obligation that’s hard to fulfill. Toxic people use this phrase to imply that the other person is perpetually in debt to them for past favors or help that they may have given. They do this to manipulate current situations or decisions and steer them in their favor.
No one else will ever love you like I do
Phrases like this are used to suggest that nobody else is worth your time, as only the toxic person truly cares about you. This can isolate people from potential or actual support networks and make them more emotionally dependent on the toxic person. This emotional dependency can make it difficult to leave the toxic relationship.
You don’t know what I’ve been through/go through
Being the perpetual victim can manipulate others into feeling sympathy, which is often used to excuse poor behavior. When a toxic person says, ‘You don’t know what I’ve been through,’ it is usually said to deflect criticism and avoid addressing legitimate issues.
After everything I’ve done for you
Another manipulative phrase used to induce feelings of guilt suggests that the toxic person has made huge efforts or sacrifices and has been unappreciated or undervalued. This is used to guilt people into doing what the toxic person wants because it is human nature to feel that you have to return a favor.
You’re being selfish
Toxic people think that everyone else should always put them first. The word ‘Selfish’ is bandied about to shame others for taking care of their own needs, and it can make people question themselves. It suggests that one should always put the toxic person’s needs first, even at the expense of their own well-being.
It was a joke
A backup for toxic people who like to say hurtful things to others. If there’s an issue with something they’ve said, “It was only a joke, don’t take things so seriously.” This way, they can minimize offensive or harmful statements as a joke, explains CNBC, and invalidate and dismiss any hurt caused. Claiming ‘jokes’ allows the manipulator to avoid responsibility.
You’re misunderstanding me on purpose
Accusing someone of intentionally misunderstanding them shifts the blame away from the speaker’s unclear communication. This is an avoidance tactic that prevents people from addressing the real issues, like the speaker not knowing what they were talking about or trying to be manipulative and being called out on it.
It’s always something with you
This is a criticism of complaints. If you aren’t happy about how you’re being treated or spoken to, it’s your fault because “it’s always something with you”. This is a dismissive phrase that suggests any complaint is problematic. It is used to suppress any legitimate issues or concerns that may be raised.
If you leave me, I’ll…
The suggestion is that a person’s negative reaction will be your fault. These threats, whether implicit or explicit, are used to control someone’s actions and force them to stay in a relationship. If you leave and don’t put up with their bad behavior and mistreatment of you, they may threaten to hurt themselves.
You misinterpret everything I say
When a toxic and manipulative person says this, they are suggesting that one’s perception or understanding is fundamentally flawed. This phrase manipulates by creating self-doubt and making someone question their own sense of reality.
That’s not what I said
According to Good Housekeeping, denying or distorting previous statements can be very traumatic. It can manipulate memories and enforce the manipulator’s version of events. Constant denial from a manipulative person can have a gaslighting effect. It can make one think their memories are wrong or that they are imagining things, leading to confusion.
Why are you making such a big deal?
This phrase steers the problem onto the person reacting and away from the action or statement that caused the reaction. It tells them that they’re making a mountain out of a molehill, that they’re overreacting, and it minimizes and invalidates the issues that they are trying to bring to light.
You’re always looking for problems
Calling someone a troublemaker can make their real complaints seem unimportant. It shifts focus away from the actual problems and instead puts focus on the person raising the issues, who is now being seen as a problem seeker.
You’re too sensitive
“Meaning, your reaction to my toxicity is unreasonable”, notes Psych Central. Another phrase designed to steer the blame away from the manipulator. Accusing someone of being sensitive invalidates their feelings so that the manipulator does not have to take responsibility for the hurt they caused. It moves attention away from the action and onto the sensitivity.
Just trust me
Demanding trust without a basis for it is a manipulative tactic. It manipulates people into foregoing their judgment or intuition. A manipulator often pretends to be offended when not trusted, aiming to avoid serious questions about their motives or actions.
I know you better than you know yourself
A statement used to assert control suggests that the person saying it has superior knowledge about the person hearing it than they have about themselves. It can undermine one’s sense of autonomy and self-knowledge and make them think they need to rely on the toxic individual’s opinions about how they should act or live their lives.
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