Sometimes, people are mean, but it’s important not to take it personally. They might be having a bad day, maybe they got bad news, or maybe they’re just not very nice. Either way, the issue is with them, not you. Here are 17 likely reasons that someone is being mean.
They feel threatened
Feeling professionally or socially threatened by you might lead to negative actions, according to Psychology Today. They might be trying to protect their status and believe that you cannot share the same space if you are good at the same thing that they are doing. They may feel defensive and like they have to be mean to you in order to maintain their position.
They’re struggling personally
Personal issues like family problems or health concerns can affect someone’s mood. Without healthy outlets for their emotions, people might take out their frustrations on those around them, and you may simply be in the wrong place at the wrong time. When someone’s home life is chaotic, they may blow up at everyone in their immediate vicinity.
Testing boundaries
Sometimes, people just like to push it. Some might be mean to test what they can get away with in social settings. If they are pushing your buttons, it may be just to check your reaction so that they can learn about your boundaries and resilience.
They feel powerless
Being mean might be their way of gaining a sense of power or control in situations where they feel powerless. Someone who has experienced abuse or bullying in the past may act cruelly as a form of self-defense or an attempt to assert dominance, especially if they feel subordinate or weak.
Trying to control or manipulate
Mean behavior can be a tool to assert control or dominance in a relationship. Exhibiting manipulative tactics like meanness followed by love-bombing is a toxic way to make someone dependent on another person. This type of power and control might be their goal in their interactions with you.
They’re influenced by peers
When someone is trying to fit in with mean people, they get mean. The desire to fit in with a group of peers who seem to value mean behavior can influence someone to be mean if they’re not strong enough to stand up for themselves. Sometimes, acceptance by a social group seems more important than the right thing.
Stress
External pressures such as work or personal stress can cause people to lash out at the people around them. Being overwhelmed can reduce a person’s patience and tolerance, causing them to be cranky or snappy and leading to mean behavior. Lashing out might also be a way of releasing the built-up pressure they feel from other areas of life.
They can’t control their emotions
Even if their relationship with you is not the cause of their negative emotions, someone who has trouble controlling their emotions may lash out at you if you are there when they are angry or upset. Their inability to control their emotions may result in ill-considered and mean comments.
Struggling with mental illness
A person suffering from depression might not see how their actions are hurting other people. A person suffering from anxiety may be on edge and might act badly if their emotions are frayed. On the other hand, some mood disorders can make a person emotionally unstable and challenging to be around.
Projection
When someone feels intimidated by you, they can project their fears by acting cruelly toward you. In some situations or activities, they may feel inferior to you and become easily frustrated. If they project, they are guarding their feelings and themselves, and you unjustly end up on the receiving end.
A lack of self-awareness
While this does not completely excuse the behavior, it may help to understand it. It’s possible that someone is being mean to you just because they are oblivious to how mean they are, according to Hack Spirit. Often people who lack self-awareness simply don’t know how much harm their words cause.
Jealousy
People might be mean to you if they covet your success or are jealous of your achievements, the relationships in your life, or the good qualities you possess. This jealousy might lead to mean behavior, as their desire to have what you have can manifest as hostility or bitterness.
A cry for help
Sometimes, people show mean behavior in a misguided attempt to get attention or a cry for help. If someone is being mean to you, maybe they just really need someone to interact with, but they’re not good at communicating. It’s possible that they are acting out to provoke any kind of reaction from you.
Low self-esteem
Disrespectful people commonly have years of experience being the targets of cruelty or contempt from others, says Martha Beck in her Oprah article. They often have low self-esteem as a result. Sometimes, people can develop a victim complex from this and resent others’ happiness. If it seems like your life is better than theirs, they’ll want to hurt you.
Imitating others
The bad influence of a toxic environment or significant figures in their lives can lead someone to mimic mean behavior without fully understanding the consequences. They may be seeking approval from toxic family members, or if they grew up thinking meanness is normal, they might not realize the impact of their actions.
Immaturity
Sometimes, people lack basic social skills and don’t know how to talk to others and form friendships. Therefore, they may be unaware that they are being rude or hurtful. Maybe they don’t give much thought to what you consider to be mean, so they can’t see how their careless behavior is affecting others–possibly because their thoughts are elsewhere.
They are mean
Sometimes in life, our paths cross with mean, bitter people. Some people are just born like that, notes Trinity College. They don’t seem to feel joy whether or not their life is good. When people are unhappy with their lives, they can lash out at others. They don’t care who they hurt, and sometimes they even like it.
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