All men want to be seen as nice people. But you should know that, sometimes, “nice guy” traits can actually be signs of deeply rooted insecurities. Addressing these insecurities can have a positive impact on your life, and you can take your first steps here by looking at the personality traits and behaviors that are related to them.
Seeking Approval From Others
Men who lack confidence might feel unworthy and unloved if other people in their lives are not praising them, causing them to frantically seek approval. Psych Central explains that “Achieving a balance between internal and external validation is crucial to having healthy self-esteem”; being too needy is never a good look!
People-Pleasing
Putting other people’s needs before your own is lovely now and then, but when it comes at the cost of your happiness, it’s unhealthy. Men with ‘nice guy’ traits may fear disagreeing with others or expressing their true thoughts, going out of their way to pander to others to please them.
Being a Perfectionist
Although being a perfectionist sounds good, it can lead to setting unrealistic standards for yourself. You might find you’re afraid to make a mistake, but it’s impossible to be ‘perfect’ all the time, so you’re bound to feel terrible when you can’t meet those impossible goals you’ve set.
Being Passive-Aggressive
Many men with deep insecurities communicate passive-aggressively. This might include avoiding being upfront and instead using sarcasm or humor to hide their feelings. However, these behaviors can lead to a build-up of resentment and feelings of frustration that are hard to live with.
Blaming Themselves
Insecure “nice guys” tend to blame themselves for everything that goes wrong around them, even if it’s not their fault! They might apologize over and over again or be consumed by feelings of unnecessary guilt. Sadly, Psychology Today points out that this leads to a negative feedback loop, only making them more insecure.
Avoiding Being Vulnerable
It’s hard for most people to be vulnerable, but it can feel almost impossible when you struggle with your sense of self. Most men who lack confidence struggle with this; they hope this will prevent them from being hurt, but instead, it can lead to the breakdown of relationships.
Relying On Others for Happiness
If you don’t feel happy within yourself, you will need to find joy elsewhere. People like this tend to turn to others, relying on them for happiness instead of focusing on themselves. They may feel lost or unworthy without a partner or a group of friends who love them.
Needing to Be in Control
‘Nice guys’ commonly feel like they need to be in control. They need to be in situations that are predictable and ‘safe’; otherwise, they feel afraid of what might happen. Sadly, this can result in them using negative behaviors like manipulation to maintain their sense of control.
Overcompensating With Kindness
According to VeryWell Mind, overcompensation is a type of defense mechanism that people use when they feel insecure. Often, this includes being overly kind to others in relationships (whether romantic or platonic) to gain approval. Essentially, they feel the need to be recognized as a great partner or friend to feel worthy.
Comparing Themselves to Others
It’s normal to compare yourself to those around you sometimes, but when it becomes a regular thing that is affecting your sense of self, it’s a serious issue. Insecure people tend to start feeling jealous of other people who are happier, more successful, or even more ‘attractive’ than they are.
Seeking Validation on Social Media
Social media is a part of most of our everyday lives, and it can be a wonderful tool, but if you lack confidence, it can be a minefield! Insecure people often seek validation through likes, comments, and followers, and when their social media ‘stats’ don’t satisfy them, they feel less worthy as people.
Being Unable to Handle Rejection
Rejection is hard for most people, yet most understand it’s not a reflection on us as people and are able to move forward or learn from it. If you are unconfident in who you are, you’re more likely to take it personally and feel unable to cope, which is a classic “nice guy” trait.
Taking Criticism Personally
Just like rejection, criticism can be hard to take. Those who aren’t sure of themselves tend to feel criticism on a deeply personal level. They may feel attacked, defensive, or extremely upset rather than understanding that it could be an opportunity to learn and grow.
Problems With Boundaries in Relationships
Feeling entitled to a loved one’s time or attention can be a sign of serious insecurity. Any “nice guy” with these issues may struggle to respect boundaries, becoming possessive and clingy with those they love because they’re afraid of losing them.
Struggling to Accept Compliments or Praise
Harvard Business Review states that “People with low self-esteem are often uncomfortable receiving compliments,” meaning that “nice guys” will show awkwardness when you say nice things to them. They may dismiss praise or ‘laugh it off,’ thinking that the compliments aren’t deserved or even ‘fake.’
Overthinking and Anxiety in Social Situations
If a man lacks self-confidence, they may be unsure of themself in social situations. They might fear what other people think of them and find themself second-guessing every aspect of social interactions. Over time, this can lead to anxiety in social settings and even avoidance of socializing.
Avoiding Facing Their Inner Self
Finally, lacking self-love typically means you don’t want to look inward and work on growing as a person. Insecure people will generally avoid self-reflection and addressing their flaws because they fear they mean they’re a bad person when, in reality, we all have flaws and make mistakes. The key is to learn from them!