Dealing with a dysfunctional family during childhood can make life harder as an adult – the underlying trauma can cause all kinds of problems. The first step towards healing is understanding what happened, so here are 21 signs that show your family was dysfunctional growing up.
There Was Constant Fighting
If you grew up around a lot of fighting and shouting, this points to a dysfunctional family dynamic. The BBC describes how this kind of environment can cause all kinds of problems for kids, including anxiety, difficulty sleeping, and even “disrupted early brain development.”
You Were Emotionally Neglected
Parents should notice when their children are upset and be able to offer emotional support and understanding. If you find that, instead of being comforted when you cry, you are shouted at or told to stop, this all counts as emotional neglect.
Your Parents Weren’t Around
Did you often come home from school to find the house empty and end up having to make your own dinner? When parents aren’t around and don’t provide for you in day-to-day life, this points to a dysfunctional household. In functional families, kids don’t have to fend for themselves.
There Were No Boundaries
Boundaries come in many shapes and sizes, but they all involve consistency, respect, and personal space. It’s pretty common for dysfunctional families to have no set boundaries, so everything feels all over the place, and kids never know where they stand.
Your Parents Drank a Lot
When you were young, you might not have actually realized that your parents had a drinking problem, or were abusing substances – it was just normal. But, when you look back on your childhood, it becomes much easier to recognize this toxic behavior.
Your Parents Were Unpredictable
Do you remember feeling like you were walking on eggshells at home? Never quite sure what might cause the next explosive outburst. This is a stressful way for children to grow up, and Psychology Today says that living in this kind of household can cause anxiety and depression.
There Were Money Problems
If you were aware of money problems when you were a kid, and these made you feel anxious and unsafe, this points to a dysfunctional family. In the most severe cases, this might have meant that bills weren’t being paid or there wasn’t enough money for food.
Your Parents Were Controlling
Controlling parents won’t let you make decisions for yourself – they control your actions and are quick to dish out punishment (even for minor things). UVA Today has found that children who were controlled by their parents are more likely to have long-term difficulties with relationships.
Your Parents Had Favorites
A lot of siblings joke that they’re ‘the favorite’ in the family, but it’s normally a bit of harmless inter-sibling rivalry. However, if your parents actually made it clear that they genuinely had a favorite child, this is a sign of a dysfunctional family.
The Expectations Were High
Unsurprisingly, putting a lot of pressure on children to get good grades or excel at sports does not create a healthy family environment. It’s different if the child pushes themselves and enjoys what they’re doing, but forceful Dance-Mom style parenting is definitely a no-no.
There Was Emotional Manipulation
No kid should have to grow up in a family where they are guilt-tripped, shamed, or blackmailed as a form of control. This emotional manipulation is used as a way for parents to get what they want by making their children feel bad.
You Were Called Names
What a lot of people don’t realize is that getting called names by parents is actually a form of abuse. That’s right – it’s something you should definitely take seriously! If you grew up around a lot of abusive name-calling, you don’t have to excuse it – that’s not healthy family behavior.
There Was No Affection
PsychCentral describes how children who didn’t receive affection growing up can have ongoing problems with forming close, intimate relationships as adults. Wondering why? Well, it’s because the child was made to feel unloved by their parents, and this becomes the blueprint for future relationships.
You Weren’t Well Cared For
Children from dysfunctional families often aren’t well cared for – there aren’t regular bathtimes, no one combs through their hair, and there isn’t food on the table when there should be. Does any of that sound familiar? If it does, signs are pointing to you growing up in a household that wasn’t functional.
There Were a Lot of Secrets
In dysfunctional families, it’s not unusual for children to be used as secret keepers—you might have heard phrases like “Shh—don’t tell Mom.” Naturally, this creates a toxic culture of lies and distrust, making it harder for these children to trust people when they grow up.
You Were Isolated
Toxic parents will often try to keep their children away from other family members and prevent them from making friends. This all comes from parents wanting to keep complete control over their children, which points to high levels of dysfunction in the family.
There Was Unresolved Trauma
A lot of the time, parents who create dysfunctional families have come from dysfunctional homes themselves because they’re dealing with unresolved trauma. The Washington Post explains that this trauma can then get passed to their children through their behaviors and also potentially through their DNA.
Your Parents Couldn’t Communicate
Growing up in a household where parents can’t communicate in a healthy way results in a dysfunctional dynamic. A clear example of poor communication is when parents avoid talking about things and wait for the issue to bubble over instead of having open, honest conversations.
You Were Criticized a Lot
It’s really hard to grow up in a household where you’re more likely to get criticized than receive any kind of praise. This creates an incredibly negative atmosphere at home, where feelings of judgment and disapproval are always present.
Emotions Were Badly Expressed
Not everyone has the ability to work out exactly what emotions they’re feeling and express them in a calm and collected way. People who have learned this skill have high emotional intelligence. If your parents lacked this, there would have been a lot of arguments in your dysfunctional household.
There Were Conflicting Rules
Did you feel like you never knew exactly how to behave as a kid because there were a lot of conflicting rules? This behavior is textbook for a dysfunctional family, with each parent often expecting different things from their children.
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