Have you ever been told that you always put yourself first? Do you find it hard to accept criticism? If you answered yes, have a look at these 19 subtle signs that indicate selfishness and how to change for the better.
Lack of Empathy
Struggling to empathize with another’s feelings or not being able to sympathize with external struggles can be a subtle sign of a selfish character. However, a more definite indicator can be a lack of interest in others’ needs or a refusal to make compromises.
Putting Needs Above Others
Without realizing it, you might be prioritizing your own needs above the other people in your life. This is a very clear sign of a self-centered nature. Psychology Today suggests that some people suffer from the complete opposite, known as ‘others-centredness.’ While we’re not expecting you to go to the other extreme, it is important to seek balance.
Difficulty Apologizing
Do you become defensive as soon as someone calls you out on your behavior? Selfish people will tend to justify their actions rather than acknowledge and apologize for them. Avoiding taking responsibility is their forte because they are unable to recognize that their actions were wrong or hurtful.
Flakiness
Everyone needs to put themselves first sometimes, but frequently canceling commitments with loved ones shows a lack of consideration for their time and effort. While there can be many reasons why you might miss social events, people may see you as habitually unreliable, and who wants that?
Disregarding Feedback or Criticism
Criticism is never anyone’s favorite thing to hear, but contrary to popular belief, it is not a bad thing. In fact, it is a key element of growth. If you react to feedback with resentment or defensiveness instead of taking it onboard in a constructive manner, it reflects your refusal to make personal improvements.
Lack of Gratitude
The people in your life treat you with kindness not because they feel obligated but because they want to. Those who aren’t selfish express appreciation and often return the favor rather than feeling entitled to the efforts that people show them. A sign of self-centeredness is always seeing their cup as half empty rather than half full.
Your Way or The Highway
Self-centered individuals tend to be controlling. They prefer to make decisions themselves and often ignore others’ opinions, convinced their way is best. This trait makes them difficult to cooperate with in team settings and collaborative work.
Dominating Conversations
Verywell Mind quotes psychologist Aimee Daramus, as they suggest that self-centered people ‘speak the most in conversations.’ Next time you find yourself in a social situation, take notice of the subjects that you’re covering. If they are primarily about your life and problems, consider how you can check in with other people.
Claiming Credit
Working within a group can be tricky for selfish people, who often gloss over the significance of other people’s efforts to claim credit for themselves. To avoid being self-concerned in group settings, say “we” instead of “I” and recognize that everyone has their own strengths and contributions when it comes to assessing the end result.
Expecting Special Treatment
Appreciating little privileges is very different from expecting people to bend the rules to meet your needs. Selfish people, particularly those who feel they have a higher status, will use their authority to get what they want whilst dismissing the rules that apply to everyone.
Manipulative Behaviors
When it comes to succeeding in your career or getting what you want, would you do or say whatever it takes to get you there? If so, you will want to consider if your behaviors are manipulative. Rather than achieving things by pure merit, selfish people will often lie or downplay other people’s efforts just to gain their desired outcome.
Disregard for Boundaries
Setting physical and emotional boundaries in your relationships is key to keeping the peace and maintaining respect. Self-centered people will not see it as violating if they regularly overstep without having any consideration for the other person’s privacy or autonomy. If you feel that boundaries are blurred in your friendships, this can be fixed by having an open conversation.
Lack of Reciprocity
Ideal friendships are equal give-and-take. This doesn’t come naturally to selfish individuals. They will generally not reciprocate favors, expect other people to do things for them without doing anything in return, and only focus on the benefits that it provides for them.
Seeing Relationships as Transactional
Self-centered people view connections very differently from the average person, almost adopting a business mindset. They will perform acts of kindness only when they feel there is something to be gained and will keep a mental tally of every single one they perform.
Threatened by Others’ Success
If you are selfish, you may not show it outwardly, but you struggle to celebrate others’ success. HuffPost suggests that society’s obsession with comparison and competition has exploded since the introduction of social media. While this suggests that it is more common in general, it is a clear sign of self-centeredness.
Struggle to Share
We all know that sharing is caring, but those with selfish tendencies are known for their lack of empathy. Not only are they unlikely to share physical possessions, but they will also reserve their time, contributions to group efforts, and generosity due to their fear of sacrificing ownership of something they hold dear.
Using Others for Personal Gain
Rather than forming meaningful relationships, selfish people often only associate themselves with people whom they deem resourceful and can use as a means of acquiring skills or further connections. If this sounds like you, you may also turn on the charm to gain such favors from others.
Valuing Material Gain
As ScienceDirect points out, ‘materialism is positively associated with self-interest.’ When individuals pride themselves on their dedicated pursuit of wealth and material goods, it is always a clear indicator that they are looking out for themselves first and foremost. With everything that they do, there is likely to be an agenda behind it.
Self-Promoting
The urge to be the center of attention can be a subtle yet unsubtle sign of selfishness when considering a person-by-person example. Those who self-promote are likely to fish for praise and compliments for every one of their accomplishments, even if they don’t deserve full credit for them.
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