Losing a spouse is one of life’s most devastating experiences, leaving behind a trail of emotional turmoil and uncertainty. It’s easy to get lost in a sea of overwhelming emotions, conflicting advice, and societal expectations. Here are 18 things you may want to avoid if you’re dealing with the bereavement of a lost love.
Hide Emotions
NBC News reports that “keeping your fear, anger, or anxiety to yourself can boost your risk for high blood pressure, known to be a serious risk factor for cardiovascular disease, heart attack, and stroke.” Bottling up your emotions can lead to prolonged grief and make it harder to heal. Express your feelings openly and honestly, and seek support from those who care about you.
Avoid Major Decisions
Don’t rush into big changes like selling your home or quitting your job. Grief can cloud your judgment, and you may regret hasty decisions later. Take time to process your emotions to ensure that any decisions you make are the right ones for you and your future.
Blame Yourself
It’s natural to replay memories and wonder if you could’ve done something differently. However, excessive self-blame can hinder the healing process. Practice self-compassion and remind yourself that you did the best you could.
Compare Your Grief
Everyone’s journey through grief is unique, and comparing yours to others can lead to feelings of guilt or inadequacy. Focus on your own healing and avoid measuring your progress against someone else’s. Grief can take different amounts of time to surface in different people, so it’s not even comparable.
Delay Seeking Support
Suppressing our emotions can lead to bigger, more painful eruptions in the future. Reach out to friends, family, or a therapist for help. Sharing your emotions with others can be incredibly comforting and help you process your loss. Don’t be afraid to ask for support when you need it.
Neglect Your Health
Grief can be physically demanding. Such devastation can make us feel that we don’t want to eat or take care of ourselves. Make sure to eat well, exercise regularly, and get enough sleep. Taking care of your physical health will help improve your mental well-being.
Dodge Difficult Emotions
It’s essential to confront and work through your emotions, even the painful ones. Avoiding them can prolong the grieving process and make it more challenging to find closure. Time Magazine says, “Emotional stress, like that from blocked emotions, has not only been linked to mental ills, but also to physical problems like heart disease.”
Demand Understanding
Not everyone will comprehend the depth of your grief or have experienced what you have. Be patient with those who don’t understand, and seek out support from those who do. Someone who has walked your path will not only be more empathetic but also easier to relate to at a time when it can be hard to describe what you’re feeling.
Feel Guilty
It’s okay to experience moments of joy or happiness during the grieving process. Acknowledge these feelings and remember that they don’t diminish your love for your spouse. Psychology Today says guilt is “the process of attempting to make sense of the shock, and oftentimes trauma, that is the death of a loved one.”
Consume Your Identity
When grief becomes a significant part of our lives, we can allow it to become us, but it’s important to remember that it doesn’t define us. You are more than your loss. Hold on to your passions, interests, and relationships. Remember that finding joy in life can coexist with your grief.
Rush Sorting Belongings
Take your time when sorting through your spouse’s belongings. Rushing through this process can lead to getting rid of certain things that you might later regret, making it harder to let go. It is a part of the process that you’ll need to do, but it is better to do it with a clear head. Face this challenge only when you’re well and truly ready.
Ignore Your Family
If you have children, remember that they’re grieving too, and they’ll need you now more than ever. Try to use this moment to unite, support, and feel closer to one another. Don’t let death drive a wedge between your household or family. Be open and honest with them, and seek professional help for them, too, if they need it.
Isolate Yourself
While alone time is essential, excessive isolation can hinder the healing process. Stay connected with friends and family, and consider joining a support group to connect with others who understand your experience. Grief can feel incredibly lonely, but withdrawing from friends and family will only deepen your pain.
Judge Yourself
Avoid judging yourself for how you feel or how long you’re taking to grieve. Everyone’s grief journey is unique, and there’s no set timeline for healing. Do the things that bring you peace, and stop apologizing for doing what you have to do to feel better. This is a time in your life when you should give yourself the green light to do those things you’ve always dreamed of.
Keep Everything the Same
Marie Curie advises that “decluttering can be a practical method of accepting that someone has died.” While it’s comforting to hold on to memories, keeping everything the same can make it harder to move forward. Gradually introduce changes that help you heal and find a new sense of normalcy.
Avoid Their Memory
Honoring your spouse’s memory is an important part of the grieving process. Create a special place in your home for photos and mementos, share stories about them with loved ones, and continue traditions that were meaningful to you both. Remember, keeping their memory alive can bring comfort to you and keep the connection to others who knew and loved them, too.
Make Assumptions
Avoid making assumptions about what your spouse would want you to do. Instead, focus on how to honor and respect their last wishes as accurately as possible. Consumer Reports advises to “search the person’s documents to find out whether there was a prepaid burial plan.”
Neglect Mental Health
Grief can take a toll on not just your physical health but also your mental health. If you’re struggling with anxiety, depression, or other mental health concerns, it’s important to immediately seek professional help. To ask for help takes a lot of courage, so be brave and accept it when you need it.
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