Divorce is one of the hardest things to go through, and it can be difficult to know how to comfort someone who is separating from their partner. If you want to offer valuable emotional support, here are 18 things to avoid saying to someone who is getting divorced.
“You’ll Bounce Back Quickly”
According to Psychology Today, healing from a divorce can take several years and a lot of conscious effort. For this reason, telling someone that they’ll ‘bounce back’ can create unnecessary pressure and make the person feel bad if they’re still hurting after a few months.
“I Never Liked Your Ex Anyway”
You might think that you’re being nice by saying that you never liked your friend’s partner – it’s clear that your intentions are to try to make them feel better. However, this could actually make them feel judged for their past choices. Best to avoid!
“You’ll Find Someone Better”
Trying to comfort someone by telling them that there are plenty more fish in the sea (or words to that effect) can make it look like you don’t care that they’re hurting. It’s also not great advice – finding a new partner is unlikely to be the answer to their problems!
“At Least You Didn’t Have Kids”
Regardless of whether the person had kids or not, they are still going through a lot of grief and pain at getting divorced. Suggesting that the situation would be worse if they had children can be quite hurtful as it plays down how they are feeling.
“I Saw It Coming”
Nope! Another phrase that you should 100% avoid saying to someone who is getting divorced! Don’t use any smug language that suggests you knew the relationship was going to break down – no one likes a know-it-all, and essentially saying ‘I told you so’ is neither constructive nor empathetic.
“You Should Have Tried Harder”
Don’t tell people what they ‘should’ have done to save their marriage. It places the blame on one person and also oversimplifies how hard it can be to maintain a healthy relationship. Telling someone that they should have put more effort in should definitely be avoided—they probably already gave it their all!
“You’re Better Off Without Them”
Okay, so we can see the intention behind this phrase—by saying that someone is ‘better off’ after divorce, it does sound like you’re trying to encourage them for the future. The problem is that they might need to talk about their feelings and pain right now, so dismissing their relationship makes this harder.
“Are You Sure You Can Handle Being Alone?”
Getting divorced is hard enough without other people projecting their own fears into the mix. Instead of asking someone if they can handle being alone, Oprah Daily suggests showing up for them more often and offering to help with any jobs that need doing.
“I Know Exactly How You Feel”
Before telling someone that you know exactly how they feel, think about whether there’s another way to empathize without shifting focus onto yourself. Everyone feels different when going through a divorce, and the person you’re talking to may feel that their experience isn’t the same as yours.
“Did You Try Counseling?”
Although we all know that counseling can be a useful tool in a marriage, The Telegraph explains that it isn’t a magic solution either. If you’re asking someone if they tried counseling when the divorce is already in motion, you’re going to sound judgemental – chances are, they thought of that already.
“You Must Be Relieved”
Getting divorced is a rollercoaster of emotions; whilst there might be some relief, it’s also possible that the person won’t see any upsides of the situation straight away. Instead of assuming how someone feels, it’s best just to listen and try to understand.
“Now You Can Have Fun Again”
You might try to lift the mood by telling your friends that they’re free to have fun now that they aren’t married, but this can sound a little insensitive (to say the least!). Divorce is exhausting, so there’s a high chance that they won’t feel like having fun for quite a while yet.
“Divorce Is So Common Nowadays”
Whilst it’s true that a lot more people are getting divorced now, it’s probably not the best idea to bring this up when someone is going through a separation. First of all, it doesn’t offer any comfort, and secondly, it makes it sound like you don’t think they should be sad.
“Have You Thought About Dating Again?”
You might be trying to play the role of a ‘supportive friend’ by trying to get your buddy back on the dating scene, but it can seem a bit insensitive. Hold fire on offering any dating advice until your friend decides that it’s time to start dating again.
“What About Your Financial Situation?”
Don’t bring money into things when someone is struggling with a divorce; for starters, simply having money isn’t a good enough reason to stay in a bad marriage! Forbes points out that getting divorced is really expensive, too, so your friend is probably already worried enough without needing a reminder!
“It’s Probably for the Best”
Regardless of what you think, your friend may not feel that the divorce and the pain they are going through are ‘for the best’. It’s probably best to keep phrases like this to yourself and instead just listen to how they are feeling.
“You Need to Get Over It”
It can be difficult to keep supporting a friend who is struggling with their divorce, but instead of telling them to ‘get over it’, you should recognize when you need a time out. Remember that your own boundaries are important, and it’s totally okay to say if you need a break.
“I Can Introduce You to Someone”
When you say to a friend that you can ‘introduce them to someone’, you might think that you’re being helpful, but this can actually pile on the pressure. It’s like you’re suggesting that they need to start building new relationships when that might not be what’s best for them.
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