Recovery from addiction is a challenging journey that requires immense strength and support. However, well-meaning comments can sometimes do more harm than good. Here are 18 things you should never say to someone in recovery, along with better ways to show your understanding and support.
“Can’t You Just Have One?”
For many in recovery, even one drink or one hit can lead to a full-blown relapse, undoing months or even years of hard work. According to U.S. News, “Millions of Americans are addicted to drugs or alcohol,” and this comment trivializes the seriousness of their addiction and the control it had over their life.
“You Don’t Look Like an Addict”
Judging someone based on appearance is unfair and unhelpful. Recovery is a deeply personal journey, and addiction doesn’t have a specific look. People from all walks of life struggle with addiction. Making assumptions based on someone’s appearance not only shows ignorance but can also be incredibly discouraging to someone working hard on their recovery.
“It’s All in Your Head”
If you dismiss their struggles as mere thoughts, it’s invalidating and can make them feel misunderstood and isolated. Addiction is a complex issue involving both physical and mental challenges, including chemical dependencies and psychological struggles. Saying “it’s all in your head” overlooks the real, tangible aspects of addiction.
“I Know Exactly How You Feel”
Even with the best intentions, this phrase can feel minimizing and dismissive, as everyone’s experience with addiction and recovery is unique; claiming to know exactly how someone feels can come off as insincere. Instead, express genuine empathy and a willingness to listen, which shows you truly care.
“You Must Have Weak Willpower”
Telling someone they must have weak willpower is both incorrect and hurtful; addiction is a disease, not a character flaw or a sign of weak will. Recovery takes immense strength and courage, often involving significant lifestyle changes, therapy, and constant vigilance. Making someone feel guilty or weak for their struggle with addiction is counterproductive.
“You Were More Fun When You Were Using”
If you tell someone in recovery that they were more fun when they were addicted, it’s insensitive and dismisses their efforts to improve their life, as well as triggering feelings of shame, guilt, and doubt about their choice to get sober. It also places unfair pressure on them to conform to your expectations of “fun.”
“Why Can’t You Just Stop?”
Asking someone why they can’t just stop oversimplifies the complexity of addiction. Stopping isn’t as easy as flipping a switch. It requires significant effort, often including professional help, therapy, and support from loved ones. Addiction changes the brain’s chemistry, making it incredibly difficult to just stop.
“Aren’t You Overreacting?”
Another thing you shouldn’t say or do is minimize their feelings by implying that they’re overreacting; this can be damaging and make them feel misunderstood. Recovery is a sensitive and challenging process, and everyone handles it differently. What might seem like an overreaction to you could be a genuine struggle for them.
“It’s Been So Long; You Should Be Over It by Now”
Recovery is a lifelong journey with no set timeline for healing, and each person progresses at their own pace, so expecting them to be “over it” by a certain time is unfair and unrealistic. Addiction often has long-lasting effects that take years to fully overcome, which is why patience and understanding are key to being a supportive friend or family member.
“You’ve Relapsed Again?”
It’s important not to shame someone for relapsing as this can be devastating for that person. Relapse is often a part of the recovery process and doesn’t mean failure; it’s an opportunity to learn and strengthen their commitment to sobriety. Instead of expressing disappointment, offer encouragement and support them in getting back on track.
“You’re Always Talking About Recovery”
Recovery is a significant part of their life, and sharing their journey helps them stay accountable and process their experiences. It’s important to let them talk about what they’re going through without feeling judged or annoying. Being a good listener and providing a safe space for them to express themselves can be incredibly supportive.
“Have You Tried Doing X Instead?”
You also shouldn’t be trying to give unsolicited advice because this can feel patronizing and dismissive of their efforts. While suggestions may come from a place of care, it’s better to ask how you can support them instead of offering solutions—and remember to respect their recovery plan and the choices they make with their professionals.
“Your Past Doesn’t Define You”
While this phrase is meant to be uplifting, it can sometimes dismiss the weight of their experiences and the impact their past has on their present. Acknowledge their past and the effort it takes to overcome it, showing you appreciate their strength and resilience. Instead of dismissing their past, recognize the progress they’ve made.
“You’re So Brave”
You might think you mean well by saying that they’re brave, but this comment can put undue pressure on them to live up to others’ expectations of bravery. Recovery is a personal and often very private battle, and they may not always feel brave, so simply be there for them and show your support.
“At Least You’re Not as Bad as Some People”
Comparisons are never helpful and can invalidate their struggles—each person’s journey with addiction is unique and significant, after all. Avoid comparing their experience to others, as it can make them feel like their pain is being minimized, and focus on their individual progress instead.
“I Don’t Understand Why It’s So Hard”
If you haven’t experienced addiction, it’s better to admit you don’t fully understand rather than downplaying their challenges. Show empathy and a willingness to learn about their experiences instead of expressing confusion, so say something like, “I can’t fully understand what you’re going through, but I’m here to support you.”
“Can’t You Just Be Happy?”
Telling someone to just be happy oversimplifies their emotional and mental struggles, as it’s important to remember that recovery involves navigating complex feelings, including anxiety, depression, and other mental health issues. Offer a listening ear and emotional support instead of suggesting quick fixes.
“You’re Doing It Wrong”
One last thing you should never say to someone in recovery is that they’re doing it wrong. Criticizing their approach to recovery can be discouraging and damaging. Every recovery journey is unique, and what works for one person might not work for another, so just trust that they are doing what works best for them.
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