Parenting is hard, and in an effort to raise children to be confident and productive members of society, we see many people become toxic and manipulative without realizing it. Today, we talk about the things your parents told you that were actually harmful.
“Children Should Be Seen and Not Heard”
This proverb deters children from expressing themselves freely and makes them feel as though their thoughts and feelings are not important. Teaching kids to keep their voices subdued has a long-term negative effect on their social skills and their sense of self-worth.
“Stop Crying or I’ll Give You Something to Cry About”
In other words… don’t show your emotions, or I’ll hurt you. A threat of punishment for displaying emotion teaches kids that their emotions are unimportant and unworthy. Instead of using fear rather than understanding or comfort to manage emotional situations, teach the child healthy coping skills to deal with uncomfortable emotions, says Verywell Family.
“You’re Just Being Lazy”
If a child has learning problems, depression, or simply doesn’t understand something, this may be overlooked when the child is accused of being lazy. Because it encourages the child to have a poor self-image, this accusation might make them feel like there’s no point in even trying.
Why can’t you be more like your brother/sister?
This is a great way to create rivalry among children, while also causing some life-long resentment. You don’t want that. Sibling comparisons can lead to jealousy and feelings of inadequacy, and are a classic sign of manipulation, according to Psychology Today. They may also negatively impact a child’s sense of identity and self-worth.
“I Do Everything for You”
Parents are supposed to do everything for their children because their children are their responsibility. But some parents show how much they resent taking on this responsibility. Children who hear this message may feel excessively indebted or guilty for the standard care they receive. Instead of encouraging thankfulness, it might promote anger and dependency.
“If You Loved Me, You Would…”
Children shouldn’t have to show their parents that they love them by bowing to a parent’s demands. Children may be tricked into thinking that obedience equates to affection when a parent uses these kinds of conditional statements. When kids struggle to distinguish between love and meeting expectations, it can lead to confusion and worry.
“There’s no need to cry over that/boys don’t cry”
Boys have tear ducts, just like everyone else. This kind of gender stereotype policing may result in emotional repression and the development of harmful gender stereotypes. All children should be able to show emotion without fear of mockery. According to Business Insider, they could grow to mask their feelings in unhealthy ways.
“It’s For Your Own Good”
Rationalizing a punishment in this way can justify harsh or abusive behavior as a misguided form of care. However, when children experience hurt rather than support from their guardians, it can cause trust issues.
“We Sacrificed Everything for You”
When parents say something like this, it places their children under excessive pressure to succeed or live their lives in a way that will justify the sacrifices made by their parents. Children may grow up feeling as though they always owe their parents, which may impact their decisions in life.
“You’re Being Dramatic”
Dismissing or belittling children’s genuine concerns as dramatic can keep them from talking about or dealing with their problems. This dismissal can stifle open communication and prevent honest discussion about feelings and concerns.
“Don’t Talk Back”
A parent will use this phrase because they think it is disrespectful for their child to disagree with them. However, a command like this discourages conversations that may involve healthy debate and respectful disagreement. An authoritarian upbringing with this sort of parenting will impact a child’s ability to build relationships based on mutual respect and understanding.
“You’re Too Sensitive”
When a parent labels a child as overly sensitive, they are invalidating their emotional responses and discouraging them from expressing feelings. This can lead the child to doubt themselves and cause them to isolate themselves emotionally.
“This Is Why People Don’t Like You”
Saying this to anybody is really not nice, but a parent saying it to a child is damaging. A statement like this can instill social anxiety and lead the child to believe that they are inherently unlikeable. It will deeply affect their self-esteem and their ability to form healthy social relationships.
“You Must Respect Me Because I’m Your Parent”
Sometimes, parents believe that simply by having a child, they are entitled to its respect. When they say this, they are demanding respect based solely on parental status, not mutual respect and understanding. There is a major difference between respect earned through understanding and respect demanded through authority – which often resembles fear.
“You Have It So Much Easier Than I Did”
Maybe you did have it a lot easier than your parents, but that doesn’t mean that your struggles are not also valid. By comparing struggles and saying that their issues were somehow more difficult, they can minimize a child’s challenges and feelings. This may lead to a generational gap when kids feel their experiences aren’t valued.
“Because I Said So”
This is not a reason or an answer when a child asks a question. It won’t help a child to learn or grow, and it won’t teach a child how decisions should be made. Instead, according to Psych Central, it forces a power disparity between the parent and the child and discourages questioning and critical thinking.
“You Don’t Know What You’re Talking About”
Undermining a child’s intelligence is damaging and can have long-term effects on self-esteem. This statement may weaken a child’s faith in their own intelligence by dismissing their opinions or thoughts and discouraging kids from sharing their views or engaging in meaningful discussions.
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