Many common phrases can harm good communication and relationships. Being careful with our words helps us support and understand each other better. Here are 19 toxic phrases that are overused in society and can have negative impacts.
Man up
‘Man up’ implies that showing emotions or vulnerability is not masculine. This saying is enforced by toxic masculinity and validates outdated attitudes towards men. This phrase reinforces harmful gender stereotypes, and sayings like this prevent men from wanting to open up.
Boys will be boys
This phrase makes excuses for inappropriate behavior without holding anyone accountable. It often implies that males are only capable of expressing themselves through violence, as this saying often refers to fighting and aggressive tendencies. It also enforces that certain behaviors are exclusively male.
You’re too sensitive
When people get emotional or offended, it is common for them to have their feelings dismissed. Telling someone that they’re too sensitive invalidates their emotions and implies there is only one appropriate way to respond. Psychology Today says you should never shame someone’s reaction.
Get over it
Telling someone to ‘get over it’ minimizes their experience and struggles and suggests they shouldn’t feel the way they do. People have different adaptation periods, and you should never rush someone to move on from something. It’s often hard to let go of things, and you imply their current emotional concern is wrong.
It could be worse
In most cases, it could be worse, but when you’re deep into a negative situation, it can be hard to see the light. This phrase will do nothing to help someone feel better. Instead, it undermines a person’s pain or difficulty by comparing it to others’ experiences.
Calm down
When has anyone who has been told to ‘calm down’ during a conflict ever actually calmed down? It is more common that telling someone to calm down will escalate their distress rather than help them relax. The phrase is extremely triggering and will heighten emotions.
Grow up
Using the phrase ‘grow up’ suggests that someone’s behavior is childish. This is meant as an insult to their emotional maturity, and Time Magazine says that calling someone immature is one of the most unhelpful criticisms in a conflict. It’s just plain offensive and usually ends a conversation.
You’re overreacting
Every reaction is unique and is based on the complexities of every individual person. While you may consider something an overreaction, they might not and have deep reasons behind their response to a situation. Expressing that someone is overreacting invalidates a person’s feelings and can make them feel misunderstood.
You always do that
Often said in a negative tone, ‘you always do that’ is a way to unfairly generalize someone’s behavior and make them defensive. It’s very rarely said with positivity, and people can be offended by the traits you are highlighting. It also can shine a spotlight on something they’re self-conscious of.
You need to lighten up
When you tell someone to ‘lighten up’, it often implies they’re uptight. It is never a positive thing to say and dismiss serious concerns or feelings, implying they are not valid. Many people also use it to avoid accountability for the things they say or the ways they act.
That’s just the way it is
This phrase is one that accepts problematic situations without challenging or seeking improvement. It’s an expression of helplessness, usually referring to events with a negative outcome. It implies there is nothing we can do to change things with no effort to try.
You’re being irrational
If you tell someone they’re being irrational, it undermines their perspective or feelings as illogical. Medical News Today says that calling someone irrational is a form of gaslighting. Belittling someone’s reaction is highly toxic behavior that can lead people to doubt themselves.
It’s not a big deal
Stating that something is not a big deal usually means that it is. It is often a way of avoiding intense feelings over a situation and dismissing your emotions when something bothers you. It also tells other people that they can get away with things, and you’re conditioning them that it’s acceptable to treat you this way.
You’re imagining things
It is a form of gaslighting to tell someone they’re imagining things. It can make them doubt their perception of reality. According to Forbes, if you feel like someone is manipulating you in a way that you start to believe what you’re feeling isn’t real, they are likely to be gaslighting you.
I’m sorry, but…
When a ‘but’ follows your attempt at an apology, it’s usually not a genuine apology. A non-apology invalidates the apology by justifying the behavior. ‘I’m sorry’ is a precursor that attempts to diffuse the shade you’re about to throw. Usually, there is no remorse when you say, ‘I’m sorry, but…’.
Why are you so quiet?
It is never okay to ask someone why they’re so quiet, but society has made it seem acceptable. This phrase can make introverted or reserved people feel uncomfortable and pressured to change. It highlights something they are likely to already be insecure about, and it’s no one else’s business.
You’re too much to handle
Whether it comes to friends or relationships, you’re never too much for the right people. Telling someone that they’re too much to handle suggests that someone’s personality or emotions are wrong. You should never try to change other people, and this phrase is one that can chip away at someone’s self-confidence.
If you really loved me, you would…
This is a form of manipulation that pressures someone by tying their actions to their love or commitment. This behavior is extremely toxic and immediately backs the recipient into a corner. It can also be the start of emotional abuse in a relationship, so this phrase shouldn’t be taken lightly.
I hate you
We are quick to say ‘I hate you’ in the heat of a conflict. We don’t usually mean it, and it is simply language that reflects the tension we feel in the moment. It doesn’t represent the whole picture. However, these three little worlds are extremely powerful and can be very damaging.
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