If you grew up with parents who were toxic, you’re probably still carrying around some of that baggage. However, sometimes it can be hard to know what counts as toxic behavior and what’s just normal parenting. Here are 21 signs that your parents were probably toxic.
They Punished You a Lot
CNBC describes how receiving harsh punishment from parents can cause resentment and psychological damage in children, so this definitely doesn’t create a healthy atmosphere. Toxic parents use punishment to get their message across and often punish even minor accidents.
They Constantly Criticized You
Most parents don’t feel the need to constantly point out their children’s flaws – if your parents were incredibly critical, they were probably toxic. People who grew up in this kind of environment may struggle with self-esteem and find it hard to ever feel ‘good enough’. Be kind to yourself!
They Emotionally Neglected You
Where were your parents when you needed them? Did they come running to provide emotional support when things went wrong, or did they get mad and tell you to stop crying? It will come as no surprise that the second option points to toxic parenting.
They Controlled You Through Fear
Parents who try to control their children by making them scared are clearly showing signs of toxic behavior. If this sounds like your childhood – make sure to tell yourself that you didn’t deserve to be treated this way! Your parents may have used guilt, intimidation, and blackmail to control you.
They Loved You Conditionally
Most of us are familiar with the concept of unconditional love – but in some families, there’s only conditional love on offer. This means that parents will only show love to their children if they feel like they’ve earned it. Needless to say – this is toxic to its core.
They Were Inconsistent
Consistency is so important in parenting, and it can cause many problems when it isn’t present. Psychology Today actually ranks ‘inconsistent parenting’ as one of their top ten parenting mistakes. According to them, it’s likely to cause children to have “unstable cores and weak identities.”
They Lacked Boundaries
Do you feel that your parents respected your space and boundaries as a child? There are a surprising number of ways that parents can disrespect their children’s boundaries, including invading their privacy and oversharing personal details.
They Expected Perfection
When parents expect perfection, they’re always going to be disappointed – perfection doesn’t exist. If your parents always expected you to be perfect, you probably felt like you often let them down. In your adult life, you might struggle with self-criticism and perfectionism as a result.
They Played Favorites
Parents shouldn’t have favorites, but some toxic parents will make it obvious that they favor one of their children over another. They’ll probably choose to support the child who is seen as the most ‘successful’, which creates a stressful environment in which to grow up.
They Overburdened You
If your parents relied on you for emotional support and burdened you with responsibility, this points to a toxic dynamic. The Guardian explains how children who grew up looking after their parents can be “deeply unsure of their own worth” and struggle to form healthy relationships.
They Humiliated You Publicly
Some parents seem to love having a laugh at their child’s expense, so they’ll share embarrassing mistakes or failures with anyone who will listen. The thing is, this isn’t just an innocent joke; it is toxic behavior that aims to make the child feel ashamed.
They Refused to Apologize
Getting a genuine apology out of a toxic parent is like trying to squeeze blood from a stone – it’s not happening. Even if a toxic parent does manage to utter the words “I’m sorry”, they’ll probably still try to make excuses; you’ll hear things like “I’m sorry… but I couldn’t help it.”
They Enforced Strict Gender Roles
Parents who enforce strict gender roles are trying to control their children; they won’t let their daughters play football or their sons wear makeup. The thing is, this can really take away a child’s sense of freedom to express themselves.
They Gaslighted You
Medical News Today describes how gaslighting is used as a form of emotional abuse, where someone is made to “question their sanity, memories, or perception of reality.” You might have experienced this toxic trait if your parents made it seem like you were lying when you were telling the truth.
They Dismissed Your Achievements
One of the hardest things about having toxic parents is that you’re always trying to impress them, but even when you do something well, they don’t care. Toxic parents will often downplay achievements, so if this happened to you in childhood, you probably never felt good enough.
They Used You
Did you ever feel like your childhood was spent trying to live out your parent’s dreams, not your own? For example, if you found yourself enrolled in a theatre class because your mom dreamt of having the lead in high school, this is a clear sign that your toxic parents were using you.
They Isolated You from Others
Isolation is just another way for toxic parents to keep controlling their kids. If this sounds familiar to you, your parents might have tried to stop you from making friends when you were a child or got jealous when you would hang out with your buddies over them.
They Blamed You
Did every little thing become your fault when you were a kid? Yeah, that sounds like toxic parenting. Toxic parents have a habit of blaming their children for everything that goes wrong, and they’ll blame their unhappiness on their children, too. You might hear things like, “I was happier before you came along.”
They Physically Abused You
Physical abuse causes lasting psychological damage, and any parent who uses this as a way to punish or control is 100% toxic. This kind of parenting leaves the child living in constant fear, which can leave all kinds of emotional scars.
They Emotionally Blackmailed You
Do you remember your parents making emotional threats so that you’d do what they wanted? They might have said that they’d take away their financial support if you didn’t behave or take away your freedoms to control you. Well, that’s toxic parenting for you.
They Didn’t Support You
Toxic parents aren’t very encouraging. If you ever expressed an interest in a new hobby as a kid and found that, instead of supporting you, your parents made you feel like you would never be good enough – that’s toxic behavior 101.
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